Little Tea

My biggest fear, is that nothing will ever come out of me. I'm not strong enough, or smart enough, or hardworking enough, or persistent enough.... It's an interesting fear of failure. I am afraid that I'll give up. I'm afraid that I will not be able to continue.

What is failure? What is success? In Winston Churchill's words, "Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts".

In Thomas Edison's, "Many of life's failures are because people did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up."

But how do we know when we have hit a dead end? What if we have no longer the strength to go on?

These dark thoughts scare me. In my life, I have given up so easily. I have started on the violin, piano, guitar, recorder... nothing lasted longer than 3 years. I have been interested in kickboxing, aikido, karate, yoga, tai chi, hapkido, dance, singing, nothing that I can proudly perform or present. I changed my mind on careers and life paths as frequently as cars going to the gas station.   

What makes me think that I'll stick to this one?

I want to become a doctor. I told myself. I told my friends. I told my family. I told my mentors.

Are you SURE??

Sure.

All the questions pour in. All the doubts. All the negatives associated with becoming and being a physician are brought to the foreground. It's going to be a long long path! Are you sure it's what you want? You sure you can handle it? You really SURE about it all?

Sure. What else can I say?

But I am not sure. How can I be sure? If it excites me, if it fits with who I am, my values, my heart, my mind, is that enough?

Sure. Lots of other things have excited me at one point or another. How do I know that this is not just another fad of mine?

Sure, I am not. I'm awfully scared. It feels like a path of no return, and everyone is dragging me back before I step on that path.

I want it to be a path of no return. I want to go through it. I want to be able to do it. There's nothing else that I can think of that excites me more (at this point).

But I know. Excitement is not enough. I need diligence. I need persistence. I will need to make sacrifices. There are simply too many big words for the little me to take in at a time.

And so yes, I am scared that I'll not make it. I'm scared that I will not have the courage to continue.

Isn't it silly? To be scared of the future? Today is enough for us to handle.

“Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin.”
- Mother Teresa

What do you do when you have gone through four years of college in the best university in the world and suddenly feel like it had been a complete waste of time? That you have not grown but rather changed for the worse. That you're now a person less confident, less optimistic, and less beautiful? Or, are these simply the characteristics of growing up? Do they indicate that I have indeed grown up some?

Why is it that we hurt those dearest to us, and in turn hurting ourselves? It's perhaps because we don't know what else to do. We thought they would understand; we hope they could understand. Why is it that sometimes life feels like a bad dream that we cannot wake up from? We want to wake up one day with perfect lucidity - knowing exactly where we are, why we are here, and what to do next. I read. I watch. I escape. I become a character, a hero's friend, a stranger in a whole different world. I keep myself busy - that way I never have to think. Actually, living in the moment is the best. Stop asking me all the questions about my future. Stop asking me as if I had all the answers. Stop asking me why I'm not that other person who has a good job, a comfortable home, and a fine spouse. Stop asking me why I make mistakes, why I can't make up my mind, why I allow other people to take advantage of me. Sometimes, the answer is simply I don't know. Or, I don't want to think about it. Or, God has made each of us unique. Or, I'm really annoyed by all your questioning, please just shut up. I'm glad for my sufferings, for it helps me to understand the pain that everyone experiences. I'm glad for my happiness, for it makes the world a better place.

How to you separate being in love with the idea of being in love from actually being in love? I guess you would know, if you're actually in a relationship. But can you get into a relationship just because you love the idea of being in love? Can one actually fall in love from thinking about it, imagining it?

Have you ever gotten sick from your emotions? There are people with psychosomatic illnesses who actually feel sick when there is nothing wrong physically. I'm talking about a slightly different type, more acute, and more potent.

People of certain cultures used to die from Voodoo deaths. The deaths were real. In today's more scientific terms, they actually died of fear. A Fear so strong that it actually comes true.

Of course, usually, we do not have emotions so strong that it completely debilitates us. Often, it is a certain emotion plus certain environmental characteristics that pushes one into a state of illness. But I'm sure you have felt the power of emotions on your physical well being. 

I remember getting a fever from anger. I was once feeling neglected and disrespected out of proportion. I was traveling with my dad in a group to a rural touristy location. At dinner, people were smoking and getting drunk, and I simply hated it. I loved the fresh rural air, so I hated it when people had to ruin it with smoke. As the sun set, the area started getting cold. My dad seemed to be enjoying the crowd, and did not seem to care for my feelings. So, I got up and left dinner early. Angry and feeling ignored. When my dad came into our room to check on me, I was still super angry. I started having headaches, and I was burning with a fever. My dad, loving and caring as he really is, went out to search for medicine for me.

I was touched. I realized how silly I was being. My anger dissipated. Fireworks shot up into the sky in the distance. I watched them from window - my dark cloud had lifted. When my dad came back about half an hour later, I was completely fine. The fever had lifted with my anger.

This has not happened to me again, or at least not that I can remember. I also feel slightly more adept at taking care of my emotions as I am growing older.

Happier people heal better is also not a new concept. The mind works in mysterious ways.

Behind every great man, there is a great woman.*

What is behind a great woman? 

In modern society, there's pressure for women to take on their own role. To be great, by themselves.

What if being in the supportive role IS great? Women don't HAVE to be on the front lines fighting, right?

I want to be that great woman behind the great man. That role is really important. It requires a multitude of characteristics, skills and capabilities. You are in a team, working together toward an admirable goal. He might be the one getting all the credit, but does it really matter if it makes society better off?

But there are so many things that can go wrong. People are forgetful. People are capricious. A thousand vices  tempts the great man, perhaps the great woman too. Then, it can all become history. Well, I guess we ALL become history. We are making history.  

So, forget what might happen, what if I simply want to support someone who has the same vision and goal as I do? I guess in that way, we are helping each other. We're partners. But, there has to be someone to take care of the family. It's inefficient to split all tasks evenly. We combine our different skills and abilities, not trying to be identical twins. We look for people who complement us, so we become a well-rounded whole; we create synergy.   

But in today's world, these thoughts seem old-fashioned. We have the tendency to renounce long-held values, to rebel against traditions. But is it always well-based? Is evolution really linear?  

* (Wonder why?  Feel free to check out this article)

Where will I be? In 20 years? In 10? In 5? In 1?

Perhaps this sort of deductive thinking helps. I do not care to know everything, but just somethings, a few things. I have big aspirations, aspirations that I do not see how they can be achieved. Aspirations that I change my mind on, as my idea of importance changes. What is important? What is the most important to me? That is what I want to devote my life to doing. It could change, sure. But I want to at least work toward it right now. I am interested in health. I want people to be as healthy and happy as they can be. Do I become a doctor? Or at least get an MD so I have some sort of authority? Do I want to be in school for long? Will I be able to handle difficulties, life's stresses, challenges thrown at me? How can I stay optimistic in my aspirations when I cannot even do well in my classes? When I get stressed out about an essay, a midterm, will I be okay in the real world? Why do people stress? Why do people strive? Why do people thrive? What kind of questions do I want to be answering? I want to know everything. I want to be able to use everything. Is that even possible? Persistence. If you don't give up on something, you gotta to succeed, or regretfully die. But that way, you know that you tried, you really tried. People say, the journey matters much more than the results. I can see how it is true. In the journey, you learn, you grow, you live. At the end, you watch and you lose yourself in memory. What about the world? Does the world care about the process? Thinking about life, I've realized that I think too much. Thinking too much leads to needless worries. Needless worries add to stress. Stress debilitates me from doing, so I waste time wandering, and perhaps thinking more. It's a downward spiral. To stop my downward fall, I have to start doing. By writing, I'm translating my thoughts into words, transferring them onto the screen. Writing is an act; it is doing. Once I start to do, hopefully I will do more and think less. Being productive, instead of letting time slip away in thoughts. All we have is the present. Tomorrow is a mystery that waits to be unfold. I am excited for it. And the best I can do today is to prepare myself as best as I can, for whatever the mystery involves. Someday, perhaps, I will write an autobiography. My current future, will be history then.

I know I am growing up

when everyone around me seems smaller.

And I actually want to watch the news.